“Shit,” Chiarini realized. “She’s going to pee all over the house if I do this.”
It’s that thought that cut short what she later realized would have been an unsuccessful suicide attempt anyway. The medication she had been downing would not have been fatal, no matter how badly she may have wanted it to be.
Chiarini, a community college professor in Maryland and now the Victim Services Director for the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative (CCRI), was brought to that low point in 2011 by an ex-boyfriend who repeatedly posted nonconsensual pornography, or revenge porn, of her online after their breakup.
The last thing he said to her: “I will destroy you.”
He certainly tried. First, he put a CD of nude images up for auction on eBay. Then, he began posting the nudes to the Facebook page of the college where she teaches. Finally, he began using the images to pose as her online, inviting men to come have sex with her. His actions weren’t illegal in Maryland at the time—they were criminalized in 2014 largely thanks to Chiarini’s advocacy—and she never got justice.
The Daily Beast reached out to Chiarini and Natalie,• another survivor of nonconsensual pornography, to learn how they survived their victimization. Too many women and girls do not make it through this harrowing experience.
Last week, for example, The Daily Beast reported on the story of Tovonna Holton, a 15-year-old Florida girl who committed suicide after her classmates saw a leaked Snapchat video of her in the shower. One friend said her ex-boyfriend has posted the video on Twitter after their breakup; her ex-boyfriend denied it.
Stories like Holton’s all the more heart-breaking for their frequency. Half of revenge porn victims in one survey said they suffered suicidal thoughts as a result of the experience. Almost all experienced severe emotional distress. Time after time after time after time, teenagers have taken or attempted to take their own lives after someone posted sexual images of them on the internet.
Depending on the age of the victim, this practice can be prosecuted under child pornography laws or under revenge porn legislation that has now been passed in 34 states and D.C. But for young people especially, the thought of legal action might seem less pressing than the immediate emotional fallout.
“You think right now that it is the end of the world but, trust me, it isn’t,” said Natalie.
As a teenager, Natalie found a nude image of herself online and realized that her social media accounts had been hacked. She was able to get that photo taken down but it has been repeatedly reposted for two years now. Natalie has been able to get through the experience by relying on her friends, whom she calls her “biggest support system.”
“They helped me brush it off and come to the conclusion that it wasn’t my fault,” she told The Daily Beast. “It was the work of some creep who spends too much time on his computer.”
Many teenagers may be afraid to open up about revenge porn out of embarrassment or fear of being blamed. Tovonna Holton’s relatives apparently didn’t know about the circulation of the Snapchat video—or the bullying that she experienced as a result—until after she had taken her own life. That’s why Chiarini, who now works with revenge porn victims, believes that “rallying support” is the most important thing they can do. The CCRI runs a free 24/7 helpline for U.S. victims of nonconsensual pornography but Chiarini also recommends talking to anyone who can help: parents, friends, teachers.
There are legal actions that victims can take to fight back against revenge porn, too. The Daily Beast published a guide to recording evidence this year with the help of CCRI board member Carrie Goldberg. But in the long-term, personal healing will become a priority.
Two years later, Natalie would offer the following words of comfort to any girl thinking of committing suicide because of revenge porn: “You are not alone in this and eventually life will go back to normal, I promise.”
Chiarini’s own recovery was arduous and, in some ways, it’s still not over. For months, she would obsessively check every social media platform to be sure that her ex-boyfriend hadn’t decided to post the pictures again. Five years later, she has more or less stopped doing that but she still suffers from symptoms of PTSD.
“I don’t believe in saying it’ll get better because it doesn’t get better—it gets different,” she told The Daily Beast. “It just changes. For a long time, it’s not going to get better.”
But now, the experience has taken a backseat to the rest of her life. She’s still a professor and a mother of two and a partner and a dog-owner. Her friends, she says, still see her as “Annmarie” not as the “revenge porn chick.” She would remind anyone going through this experience, especially young people, that “it doesn’t define your life.” Her ex tried to destroy her. He didn’t succeed.
When asked what she would say to anyone suffering suicidal thoughts because of nonconsensual pornography, Chiarini fell silent. She thought for a long time.
Then, instead of offering a platitude, she said, “Don’t let the dog pee on the floor.”
“Find a reason to keep going,” she explained, “even if it’s as stupid as not letting your dog pee on hardwood floors.”
*Natalie’s name has been changed.
The Cyber Civil Rights Initiative’s National Helpline is free, confidential, and available 24/7 for support and advice. It can be reached in the U.S. at 844-878-CCRI (2274).