Samantha Bee was so eager to take on Donald Trump’s 2005 boasts about grabbing women “by the pussy” that her Full Frontal team rushed out a video Friday night in which she had some similar things to say about men’s balls.
That was just the tip of the iceberg.
On Monday night, during her regularly scheduled program, Bee opened with a shot of herself vomiting in a shower after watching the leaked tape. Before launching into her opening monologue, she warned viewers that they would hear the “p-word”—and “trust me, that word isn’t presidential,” she said.
“Oh yeah, I’m going in on this like a bitch,” Bee said after playing an excerpt from the tape. As she put it, Trump wasn’t just making “lewd remarks,” he was “literally explaining a time-tested strategy for sexual assault.” In fact, she added, “take a Tic Tac and grab them by the pussy is the closest thing to a plan Donald Trump has described this entire election.”
But the “vilest” thing on the tape, according to Bee, was the way Trump and Billy Bush treated actress Arianne Zucker when they got off the bus. “In less than a minute, these two leering dildos turned their rape-culture banter into a rape-culture power move that demeaned and violated Zucker in ways she is only now finding out about,” she said. “And we know this is shocking for most normal men but every woman I know has had some entitled testosterone monster grab her like a human bowling ball.”
In his taped apology video, Trump said that he’s never claimed to be a “perfect person,” but as Bee demonstrated, he actually inferred “infallibility” when he once asked, “Why do I have to repent or ask for forgiveness if you’re not making mistakes?”
“Yeah, Trump doesn’t ask for anything—and that includes permission before putting his unwelcomed Tic Tac-crusted mouth hole on a female he barely knows,” Bee said. She went on to marvel at all the euphemisms for “pussy” that news anchors were forced to employ over the past several days.
This led Bee to deliver a “vagina monologue” that only she could: “Oh, it must be so hard to make 24 hours of television without saying the words cunt, snatch, cooter, silk purse, spicy taco, lady pocket… Oh, I almost forgot the most important one: box.”
With that, a picture of a ballot box appeared on the screen behind her.
Bee spent the remainder of her show laser-focused on the Trump tape story, from the female surrogates who are somehow still defending him to the GOP candidate’s desperate attempt to shift the focus to Bill Clinton’s misdeeds.
“Goddammit, Bill Clinton!” she said, not hesitating to criticize the likely future first gentleman. “Why can’t we lock him and Trump in a closet to grope each other to death? As disgusting as Bill is, none of this is Hillary’s fault and none of it erases what Donald did.”
It was a theme Bee returned to once more at the very end of the show. “Why are you doing this to us? Do you really think if you fling enough slime in our eyes we’ll get confused about which candidate hates women?” she asked. “Or did you just decide that if you’re going down, which you are, you’re going to drag the rest of the goddamn country with you?”
“You didn’t grab these women out of Bill Clinton’s hot tub time machine because you care they were hurt,” she added. “You just want to use them to hurt another woman and you’ll drop them like an over-35-year-old pussy as soon as they’ve served your purpose.”
“All you’re doing by bringing up Bill Clinton is reminding us how much we don’t want another groper-in-chief,” Bee concluded.