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Actor Wentworth Miller surprised many when he came out as gay last month—but he had a long, rocky road coming to grips with his own sexuality, the actor revealed on Saturday. In fact, Miller said he attempted suicide when he was 15, saying that he felt like a “target” growing up. “Every day was a test and there was a thousand ways to fail,” the actor said in a speech during the Human Rights Gala. Miller “chose to lie” publicly early in his career, but he was out to family and friends. Miller came out publicly last month while declining to attend the Olympics in Russia, writing in a letter that he is “deeply troubled by the current attitude toward the treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government.”